End of a Chapter

Tomorrow morning, just a little past midnight, a chapter of our lives will come to an end.

My baby is turning one.

Not just any baby. My last baby. My rainbow baby.

I’ve cried on an off for weeks.

We celebrated his first steps this week.

He will always, always be my precious baby, but tomorrow he is no longer a baby. My heart is so full of joy and happiness and it’s so amazing that the two can live in the same space. I felt the same on the morning of his birth. After two losses at or around 12 weeks, he came into this world purple. I had to use more strength than I knew I had to keep him alive and get him out.

But he started to breath and cry.

I got to meet this one. His daddy and brothers got to hold him. To know him.

I thought we were done after my second, but I don’t remember it feeling this way. The finality of it is different. Clearly, we weren’t done then. This time we’ve made sure there will be no more pregnancies. No more chance of loss. Going out on a high note. And he was and is definitely a high note.

I think I could have a million babies. I just love that first year. I can also feel the excitement of closing that door, ending that chapter, and starting a new one.

I’ll never forget the smell of newborn baby and the feeling when they nestle in to nurse. The joys of when they first smile, laugh, and take their first steps. Part of me will miss pregnancy. Those fluttery first kicks, exciting ultrasounds, and watching my belly change shape.

I’m also happy to leave behind some of the anxieties. I don’t have to wonder if my body will fail anymore of my growing children. I don’t have to be afraid that something will happen before they are born or during delivery. We can relax a bit about certain risks that are higher in the first year. I can gladly put behind the terror we experienced when this baby has several very scary choking episodes early on.

We are still nursing. Longest I’ve made it with any of my three boys. I’m not ready to be done and neither is he.

Not a whole lot is going to change between today and tomorrow, but it feels like so much more is with a last baby.

Tomorrow I plan on just taking it all in and etch it into my memory as best I can.