Reset

It’s been a long nearly 5 months since my youngest was born. I’ve had to kind of reset myself and cut down on responsibilities. I spent so much of the first part of my recovery being sick on top of normal postpartum recovery and then trying so very hard to get back to doing the things I love(besides mothering).

It’s been so hard. It’s been hard to do it all and it’s been hard to finally give myself permission to not do it all. It’s amazingly hard to do that last bit, but it’s been so necessary.

I dismantled most of the patio garden. It was too much to keep up with in the heat, with the kids, the breastfeeding baby, the other animals, and trying to take care of myself.

You have to take care of yourself as a mom. I was failing at this immensely.

And it’s not just been a physical trip since he was born. That would have been hard enough on it’s own. There’s the fine line of developing postpartum or just having a rough week. There the emotional unpacking of all the feelings for this sweet new life. There’s the sadness that lingers over the babies that didn’t make it. And there’s the mourning over the door of motherhood closing, by choice, but sad nonetheless.

I’ve given myself permission to step back and take baby steps towards self sufficiency as I’m able to. As I have the energy to. I’m trying to focus on small accomplishments.

I made my own yogurt last week.

I fixed my dryer vent issue on my own.

I got creative and used most of our leftovers last week.

I even made cheesecake from scratch for a birthday party rather than buy one like we normally do.

I have big plans for the future. Plans that will take more time, energy, and planning, but these one offs have been so helpful to my self esteem.

I’m not wonder woman.

I don’t have to be.

I’m okay with that.